Snape and the Ballerina Lessons
by MakiAi
Summary: Snape is being a lazy butt. He won't get off the couch and take a walk. Voldy will be forced to change this won't he? He can't have the Dark side getting fat can he? Double the humor, double the torture and what do you have? A fanfic.
1. The begining of it all

**_NOTE: I AM GOING TO BE EDITING ALL OF MY FANFICS FOR GRAMMAR MISTAKES AND WILL BE ADDING MORE HUMOR. _**

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or Snivellus, or ballerina lessons.

Maiko: Get use to it! I'm calling Snape Snivellus. And...other nice nicknames.

Snape: 'Snivellus' isn't nice!

Maiko: Not for you...But it's nice for me to call you that!

Snape: I hate you.

Maiko: Eh, get use to it.

**Chapter One: **

**"AAHH! The Horror!" **

"AAHH! The horror!" Snivellus yelled as he ran through, yes, through the wall.

"You come back here! I command you to come back here!" Voldermort stormed through, yes, through the glass and wooden door after Snivel-kins.

Maiko: Yeah, yeah, I know this is a lot of noise and very noticeable. But hey, it's my fanfic.

Voldermort soon caught up with Snivel-kins, who was trying to fit in with the wall. Yes, you heard it: the wall.

So then, Voldermort dragged Snivelly back to their...rented...hideout. Yeah, I was going to say stolen home, but I didn't like the sound of that. Anyway, so Voldermort dragged Snivelly, by the ear, back to their rented hideout while waving at random people as if he were a queen, and let me assure you, he's not. When they reached their destination, or when Voldermort dragged Snivelly to his destination, Severussy was still throwing a tantrum:

Severussy: "Why does it have to be me!?"

Narcissa, whom just, just, happened to be there: "Drink your milk," She glared her petrifying, yes, very, very, very, horrifyingly petrifying glare.

Severussy, whom just happened, just happened to fall for the glare and is now petrified: "Yes mommy,"

He obediently drank his milk after losing 2, no, 3, no, 13 brain cells. So, thanks to Narcissa's glare, Snivelly, whom supports world domination and blue tutus, is 13 brain cells dumb-er. Not bad!

Baldy Voldy was currently sitting in his mighty chair and acting like his normal arrogant mighty self. (Yes, he's bald, shut up!) When...um...when...When Barney burst in and sang his song!

Barney: "I luv you! You luv me! We're a happy fa-mi-lyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! With a great big hug and akissfrommetoyou! Won'tyousayyouluvmeto! This is Barney for the 5 o' clock news, over and out."

Sadly, our dear friend had to leave; he had an appointment with the psychotic hospital. Aww! Doesn't that make you wanna cry?? NOOOOOO! COOOOOMMMMEEEE BAAAAACCKK BAAAAAARNEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYY!

Voldermort, who just happene-eh, screw this: "OMG IT'S BARNEY! SIGN MY SHIRT BARNEY! I'M YOUR NUMBAH ONE FAN!!!"

Sadly, again, Barney had disappeared, leaving his director behind, and Voldy figured he might just get on with his life and stop all of these random interruptions that I had carefully planned out: "Now Severus, I gave you a command; you will do what I tell you to!"

Barney's director: "Come on! How **heartless** can you be?! The **poor little boy** is soaking wet! Let him eat his soup first!"

So, Snivelly would have been 13 brain cells easier to boss and bully, but noooo! Someone had to feed him broccoli and cheese soup! I'm blaming Bellatrix! Whatever her last name is!

Voldermort: "Now can I yell at him?"

Uh-uh-uh! Some one's being impatient!! Naughty-naughty, you'll get caughty! No more Christmas, or Noel for you! Tsk-tsk-tsk!

Narcissa: "Yes you can,"

Maiko: CURSE YOU NARCISSA! I VOW THE DOWNFALL AND SUFFERING OF THIS SIMPLETON!!! I WILL GET MY REVENGE!! BWAHAHAHAHA! I SHALL SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE BOLD ONE WHOM DARED TO CROSS MY LAPTOP!!

Random guy in a **white coat**: "Whoa! By the love o-she's lost it! Get her! No! You! Go get back up!"

* * *

_We are sorry to inform you that the rest of this chapter has been canceled due to the fact that the author turned out to be a missing psycho from the funny farm. No worries, she has been sent back by her parents and a number of very irritated neighbors. We wish you a go-OHMIGAWD! SHE'S GONE! AGAIN! NOOO! HELP M- _

Maiko: Did I not vow the downfall and suffering of a simpleton? I never go back on my words. The story will continue and nothing, nothing can stop the power of my invincible laptop combined with the power of my bazooka!!

* * *

Voldermort gives an excited squeal: "Yay!" Then realizing that his timing was slightly o- 

Ai: Ya think!

Maiko: Yeah! I do think! I have a brain you know? If I didn't, how did you expect me to break from that psycho house??

Maiko: Anyway...

Then, realizing that his timing was slightly off, he cleared his throat and gave his meanest grimace/glare/scowl/pout.

Voldermort: "You have no choice Snape Severus! I gave you an order! You will leave tomorrow!"

**_Flashback... _**

Maiko: I love that word!

_On that stormy night, Voldermort had Snivellus see him privately after one of their meetings... _

_Voldermort: 'Now, you are here because I am assigning you a very important mission that if you fail, I will torture you for life, Snape. You will be spying on muggles to find their greatest weakness. You have to do this because you are loyal, and because if you don't, there won't be a point to this story,' _

_Snivelly: 'You mean muggles' greatest weakness wasn't coconuts!' _

_Voldermort: 'Sadly, no. It isn't chocolate or sugar either. This mission depends on you. You will have to travel around the world, if you want to know why, look at the line that is three lines above this one. So, I have made a list of jobs you might try to get. And when I say try, I mean you better do it or you're dead! So, I expect you to try every single one until one of them fits you. Remember, my future plans depend on your success.' _

_Voldermort was not joking this time. That's why he sounds like a father talking to his young son. _

_Voldy: 'You will need to learn how to operate these instruments: Violin, viola, cello, bass, piano, harp, trumpet, drums, flute, harmonica, electric keyboard, saxophone, recorder, bag pipes, synthesizer, French horn, flugelhorn, trombone, mandolin, oboe, clarinet, cymbals, tambourines, xylophone, guitar, banjo, electric guitar.' _

_Snivelly was out cold. Until two hours later, he woke up: 'Whoa Nelly! That's a lot of stuff...' _

_Voldemort: 'True, but I know you will survive. Next, you need to master the arts of painting, sculpting, singing, designing, also, I wish for you to join the 8th grade drama club and master the art of...-gulp- **pencil sharpening**...' _

_Snivel-kins: 'Bu-but the art of pencil sharpening has not been mastered for thousands of years! That is a task that no one can do!' _

_Voldy: 'I believe in you. In addition, I want you to join multiple dance classes such as tap, jazz, waltz, tango, rumba, samba, polka, Irish jig, foxtrot, mambo, hula, swing, music videos, salsa, boogie-woogie, cha-cha-cha, meringue, ballet, and river dancing.' _

_Snivelly stared at Voldy for at least 10 whole, silent minutes. _

_Severussy: 'Why can't I be a teacher?' _

_Voldermort: 'Teachers don't get to travel around the world do they? Now young dragon, may the force be with you...' _

_**End flash back... **_

Maiko: I still love that word!

Maiko's note: Alright! Third fanfic! Second one posted but third one written! Stay tuned if you want to read about Snape trying for all of those jobs! And I might send you the recipe for my fudge drops! They're fudgy but baked! Oh, I'd like to say thanks to Sparkle for letting me use some of the stuff she does, and to Lillie for listening to me talk about the idea! I love the triple dotted thingy...Yeah! Like that!


	2. What next?

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, or Snivel-kins, or Voldy.

Maiko: Hm, I thought I was only going to pick on Severussy last chapter but I kinda picked on Moldy Baldy Voldy too, huh? Oh well, that's what he gets for being so hard to bully. But it was fun anyway. I'm sorry if this isn't as funny as the first, but...give me another chance! I swear on the pain in my heart! Why do I have pain in my heart? Because Julia stabbed me with a pencil on accident!

**Second Chapter:**

**What next!?**

Poor, poor Snivelly, he was sooooo embarrassed. HE had to be the one who had to get the ridiculous jobs!

Snivellus: "I'm blaming Bellatrix! Whatever her last name is!" He yelled as he made his way to the arts and crafts building to sign up for the forced activities. Although they were 1000 miles apart, Bella still heard his exclamation. Somehow...

Bellatrix: "Why is everyone picking on me!?"

Narcissa: "Hahaha! Looooseeer! I'm _so_ much better than you!"

Bellatrix: "You meany!"

Narcissa: "Hey, that's what I'm here for."

Back to Snivel-wivel:

He was still grunting/complaining/mumbling. I call that comgrunbling! (Hey kids, try saying that five times in a row!) He was still comgrunbling to himself when he entered the building. He took a long look around the place with a sour expression and this was what our monkey saw: a bright room with walls painted to be flowers, floor scattered with smiling stickers, a small corner that contains an information desk, and to add to the horror of this unnaturally cheerful place...little girls in little pink tutus.

You may not know it, but right now, our Snivellus is twitching like a mad man...wait, twitching like a mad monkey with fleas and lice. There we go.

He stood there for about...oh, I dunno, two hours or so? Until he decided to get a move on with his miserable little life, and walked toward the information desk.

Some random worker-person, whatever: "Who are you picking up sire?" This mysterious creature said in a high-pitched, eardrum bursting, squeaky voice.

Snivelly: "Idlktsgnpfrdnclssndmsclssns," Translation: I'd like to sign up for dance classes and music lessons.

The mysterious creature, whatever asked in its still high pitched eardrum bursting squeaky voice: "I'm sorry sire, I didn't hear you. What can I help you with?"

Snivelly: "I'd like to sign up for dance classes and music lessons. What!? What are you looking at woman!!?? I'M NOT CRAZY! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING TO THAT BANANA!?!!"

The creature: "Sire? Please, we do not appreciate you scaring the little girls! Stop this prank this instant!"

Snivelly: "Woman, I assure you, this is not a prank, and this is not a joke, now, are we clear?"

The mystifying mysterious creature: "Oh, I'm sorry sire; our classes are only for 5 year old little girls and under. Now if you're interested, I'll need your birth certificate."

The mystifying creature with the eardrum bursting voice gave a suspicious look and very carefully pressed the red little button that would call over to the funny farm and say that things have gone kablooey, get two men in white coats with lots and lots of anesthetic.

So children, that's where our Snivelly is right now, in a happier place, far, far away...

Ai: Do you mean he's dead?

No! Of course not! His mind is now in la-la-land and his body is in a straight jacket! Silly child, where ever did you get that idea?

..._TO BE CONTINUED..._

Maiko's note: Yeah, I kinda ran out of humor these days. I'm not so hyper because it's sooo cold here. Well, it was more like cold icicles whipping across my face, but being sooo cold sounds better.

Maiko's other note: Kay, this chapter is short, and even after editing it, I couldn't think of anything else to add...sorry!


	3. The horror of asparagus!

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter (the books), or Snivel-wivel. But...er...sorry, I got nothing funny to put in the disclaimer today. Golly, sometimes I really do surprise myself.

Maiko: Lame disclaimer. Yeah, yeah. I know. I should, shouldn't I? I mean, I wrote the thing. I've always had a dream. My dream to be able to kick someone really hard in the shin...that has not come true...but...I WILL GET MY REVENGE ON FATE! MARK MY WORDS!

Snivellus: "Hey, when are you going to get me out of here!?"

Maiko: I'll get you out during the story and put you back in during commercial break!

Snivelly: --Distinctive grunts and growls--

**Chapter Three:**

**"Lemme outa here!"**

"Lemme outa here!" Snivelly screamed as he banged on the door. (Wonder why he's out of the straight jacket? I'll tell you: the doctor took it away because Snivel-wivel was whining about how he couldn't play with his -coughRUBBERDUCKIEScough-) He was also leaving permanent fists-shaped dents even though the door is five inches thick and is made out of metal. Now, why he didn't use his wand, I don't know...Wait...I think I do know. Yeah, I think I stole it in the second chapter. Oh well. So, in order to continue with the story, I'm gonna bail Snivel-kins out.

Ahem, so out of nowhere a girl landed in a middle of a field.

Maiko: "Argh! I'll kill Charles when I get back there! I told him to put my socks in the laundry but did he!? NOOO! So look at what I'm wearing, FREAKIN' SANDALS! I HATE SANDALS!!!" (To find out more, read the small flash back at the end of this chapter)

Random dude: "Uh, you OK miss?"

Maiko: "Don't talk to me like I'm an old lady! I'm still a girl! A sockless girl!! Now get lost before I hit you with my metal pencil box!"

As you all know, if you threaten a random person, the person will either:

a) Scream for his mommy and suck his thumb while running away.

b) Back away very slowly.

c) Whip out his/her cell phone and call the police to have you arrested.

d) All of the above.

Yes children, the answer is all of the above. Which, unfortunately happened to me, thus delaying the part where Snivelly breaks out of the bird house.

Two long, agonizing hours passed until Akina's friends came to get her out of jail. Many thanks are in order for Cho and Naomi.

After one and a half more, agonizing hours passed Akina finally got out of jail. Many thanks are in order for her handy-dandy hammer since the guards threw Cho and Naomi in jail too.

So now, this girl you all know is me, walked to the entrance to the funny farm (again). But before that, she stopped in front of another random person.

Maiko: "Do you like asparagus? Tell me dang it!"

Random person whom we find out to posses the name of Bob: "Uh..."

Maiko: "DANG YOU FOR MAKING ME WASTE 5 PRECIOUS SECONDS OF MY LIFE! I VOW UPON THE DOWNFALL AND SUFFERING OF THE SIMPLETON WHOM POSSES THE NAME OF NARCISSA THAT I WILL FIND OUT YOUR WEAKNESS!! THEN, I SHALL USE IT AGAINST YOU!!!"

Yep, our Mai-chan had lots of fun watching the random person run away screaming "MOMMY!" She laughed and walked into the funny farm with a broccoli in her hand. What else did you expect?

Maiko: "Yeah, I'm here to deliver this to you and bail out the new guy,"

Random guy in the placy thingy: "Hey Marie! The broccoli came! Oh, you're here for the new kid? He's in the _special_ room, which room it is, I can't tell you -hackcough75cough- Be careful with him, he's a tough one. "

Maiko: "Yeah, thanks."

Kay kay, we all know that Maiko will go and get Snivel-wivel don't we? Here are the details:

I finally reach room 75 after a long treacherous journey. Turns out, you have to press the up-arrow to go up in the elevator. Man, they had me fooled. Kids have it so simple these days, back in _my_ elevator days, I had to rescue my cousin from crushing his head between the doors. Little did I know that the doors would open if anything blocked its way. You know what else? There're really crazy people in this place! I thought that they were just the results of teachers experimenting on the poor brains of students. Luckily, I'm immune to that.

So anyhow, when I got there, I understood why they call room 75 the _special_ room. Its walls were lined with pink fluffy cushions while the floor was covered with yellow squeaky eye-searing rubber duckies. It was a pathetic sight.

Alas, I wasted 2 more minutes of my life trying to pick the lock on the door. Little did I know that my bazooka would have done the trick. Poor little me. I must admit, that metal door was almost open already; Severussy had been banging on it continuously for those 4 long angonizing hours it took me to get in jail, out of jail, go up in the elevator, and picking the lock. Oh yeah, we can't forget that valuable 1 minute when I slapped myself (literally) for forgetting about my bazooka.

When the door was opened, I witnessed the most eccentric sight ever, Snivelly cooing softly to one of the duckies. Thanks to my handy-dandy recording machine, I'm able to pass on my knowledge to the next generation. You. This is the recording:

"It's okay little buddy! I'll take care of you, and when I learn how to become an interior designer, I'll even make you your own little yellow sand castle. You friends can come to of course! Oh, I have a favor to ask you, can you teach me how to dance Swan Lake? It's my dream! Who's mommy's favorite ducky? You are! -Giggle- Your mommy's favorite ducky!"

"OMIGAWD! WHAT THE DIGGY DANG HAPPENED TO YOU!?"

"-gasp- What are you doing here!? Mommy's little duckies, attack!!"

* * *

_What happened between that recording and the next scene has been censored and block multiple times. This was because the scene was too violent and terrifying for all ages beneath 52. We are sorry for the inconvenience. Have a good day._

* * *

Yes it's shocking, but it's all sorted out now. No fear. 

So after bailing Snivelly out and stealing back her broccoli Akina walked out and chucked the broccoli at Snivel-kins.

Snivel-kins: "Argh! MAH VIRGIN EYES! THEY BURN!!! "

Maiko: "What the heck does broccoli have to do with your virginity?"

At these words, Snivellus blushed in horror.

Maiko: "Never mind, don't wanna know."

Until next time children!

_...TO BE CONTINUED _

**Kay kay, here's the flaskback I promised you:**

_Flashback..._

_It was a warm sunny Saturday. Our Maiko was just 8 years old and at the beach. She seemed to be having a lot of fun making a sand castle. Little did she know of the hidden horrors beneath that shining illusion. That part comes in later in the plot, now, let's take a peek in Maiko's point of view..._

_Maiko's POV:_

_CRAP YOU SAND! I WILL GET MY REVENGE!!_

_(WTF?)_

_BWAHAHAHA! Puny little specks of dust!!!!! I'LL KILL YOU!!_

_I got up from my sitting position and trotted over to where mother was. She was babbling about how the water is probably too cold and I'll get sick by sitting 5 feet near it. Uh-huh. _

_GAWD DANG IT!_

_I screamed as I fell. Hmm...I must have tripped on something..._

_Getting up and dusting myself off, I found sand in my sandals...ironic? No, it's too much of a coincidence..._

_I SWEAR BY THIS CRUMBLINESS IN MY SHOES THAT I WILL NEVER WEAR SANDALS UNLESS I'M TOO DESPERATE! MARK MY WORDS DESTINY! I'LL GET MY REVENGE FOR THIS!!!!_

Maiko's note: Yeah, I've always been violent when it came to baking blond brownies...wait, or is it brown blondies?

Maiko's other note: Kay, I just figured out that I post short chapters but it'll only be funny if I post short chapters because too much laughter will either kill you or disgust you so much you will never ever ever enter the world of fanfictions again. I'm smart aren't I?


End file.
